Part 8: Much-Needed Relaxation
PART 9 - Much-Needed Relaxation
Alright! Last time, we had a very difficult map where we lost Colin and had to deal with bombers being assholes. This time, the mission name hints that we're gonna be getting some planes for ourselves. Let's see!
So, do we have Good News Nell or Bad News Nell today?
This is promising..!
YES
Wait, three? That's six new units, if I'm counting correctly... jeez.
Nell just can't help but provide bad news, can she? Ah well. It'll at least be nice to test them out.
I see! Well, if I have the firepower you've promised, I don't think that'll be too hard.
Let's make 'em wish they'd never been conscripted.
Come on, my dude. Almost through the tutorial. The obscenely long tutorial.
We are? Uh, I mean, of course we are!
Oh, I see. Right, let's do that thing then! ...Or is this one of those instances where you keep talking even after you've told me what to do?
yup
If I forget, lots of people die and we have to restart the mission.
I... yeah, I should've done that. Ah well.
yes nell I know where the dicking R button is, we're on part 9
Thanks. Right, let's see what we're working with today...
This map isn't so bad. Air units absolutely rule it, so handily, we have mostly those. So does Olaf, though, so we're gonna have to be careful how we handle this. I spent a long time figuring out the best way to go about this - basically, I wanna take out all the aggressive enemies first, since the transport copters and the boat, and the infantry, will all either not attack or do squat damage.
Whilst I was fiddling around with my battle plan, I also discovered that you can do this if you press B on an empty tile. So, that's handy if you want to see the terrain.
Mulligan begins proceedings in the usual way.
That is to say, casually one-shotting the scariest units on the map.
Speaking of casually one-shotting...
"Hey guys!" shouts a guy in the front fighter jet. "The name's Stanley, and this is the good old Stanley Syndicate! We're the best pilots on this side of Orange Star, so let us handle things! Also, send me pictures of your dogs. I love dogs."
With thoughts of cute dogs in his head, Stanley shoots down another bomber.
"What a showoff..." murmurs one of the other fighter jet pilots into the intercom. "Don't you think, Barnaby?"
A voice crackles through the intercom. "No way, Hosé! He's got style and bravery! You just don't like him because you're a cat person."
"My name is Howard. And I don't have any particular preference for any animals." Howard sighs.
There's a moment of silence.
"No way, Howard! He's got style and bravery! You just don't like him because you don't like animals."
"Well, you corrected the inaccuracies..." Howard says. "Look, Barnaby, let's just impress our new commander in our first mission. I'm really not sure if I'm gonna be able to do it."
The Fred Fusiliers open fire. Note that I went for the medium tank first, since it's the only unit in range capable of actually attacking.
Not that we're gonna give it a chance to, but hey.
The enemy rockets (or missiles, I can't really tell them apart) are making me nervous, so I send one of the bombers after it.
"A direct hit! Yaaay!" cheers the pilot. "Hey guys, nice to meetcha! I'm Lucy, of the Lucy Lineup! We're looking forward to being friends with you all!"
"Oh, she's just adorable." Fred grins. "Her killing potential isn't great though. She's gonna have to really draw blood if she wants to impress us!"
"Don't listen to him," says Bernard. "He's just weird and likes murder. The rest of us are already impressed; you sound really young for a pilot."
"Sixteen!" Lucy says. "My da taught me to fly when I was pretty young. He's here today, actually!"
"Yep, yep, alright," grumbles another bomber as it flies towards the target: an enemy tank.
"You almost missed!" yells Mulligan. "I mean, we don't always get things right first try, but what was that all about?"
"Are you drunk?" asks Lucy. The guy heaves a sigh.
"Maybe a little."
"Dad!"
"Ugh." the guy replies. "Sorry about my daughter. M'name's Red. This is the, uh... Red Rig. Yeah, sounds about right. We fly and drop bombs, though we're partial to a good drop."
"Not on the battlefield, daddy!" Lucy demands. After some unintelligible grumbling from Red, she sighs. "Ah well. Nice to meet you all!"
"Uh, yeah..." Dave says. He turns to Steve and shrugs. "Why is everyone in this army a weirdo?"
"You ask this every mission." Steve says. "And I still don't have a damn clue."
Alfred flies off to bully the medium tanks.
It's pretty weakened now, so it'll probably do no damage to most of the air units. I'd rather have it out of the way entirely, though.
Grumpily, the Howard Heap go over to this transport copter. I know my strategy was to take out all aggressive units first, but this one needs to get out of the way - I need to finish off those rockets, so I'm defeating the copter to allow another unit to get to the rockets.
Man, I love one-shotting things. It's so satisfying, in any game.
The last of our bombers heads out.
"I am Raynald of Châtillon!" announces the pilot as he flies towards the rockets. "With noble blade in hand, I shall retake the holy land for the glory of God! I am the finest mercenary the Kingdom of Jerusalem's royal army has ever known!"
"He..." murmurs Steve. "...Does he think he's a historical figure called Raynald of Châtillon? And what the hell is a Jerusalem?"
"Not a clue. He certainly sounds like a historical figure. Maybe he's just really into his history?"
"And also his murder, by the looks of it." Fred grins. "Such beautiful bombing... such magnificence!"
Laughing madly, the Barnaby Bracket finally join the fray. If I get rid of the fighter jets here, there's nothing that can harm him and Stanley; the bombers can't attack air units.
...Well, that's not ideal.
Yeesh, really not ideal!
Steve hops into the Bernard Batch's copter and flees north.
Alright, time to end this turn, once I've got everything sorted. I think we're good! I'm just worried about the enemy bro copters back there.
I send the Larry Lot to finish off the medium tank, though, just because it's annoying me.
I feel better. Look at the nice beach now that there's no stupid tanks all over it.
Also, you can't see it in the screenshots, but the water isn't animated, and it kind of irks me.
Olaf, who lost half his forces without even getting a chance to attack (serves him right for doing the same thing a couple of missions back), begins his turn.
"I swear I had, like, seven more planes five minutes ago."
Olaf continues to be surprised at stuff that he really shouldn't be surprised by. Like, we knew he was invading nine missions ago, why would him having landing forces be a surprise?
...Wait, "make due"? Olaf, buddy, it's "make do".
I'm a grammar nazi first, a tactician second.
The plane that I wasn't able to get rid of heads for Lucy.
She isn't afraid.
And with nothing in range to attack, the bombers just kinda... head towards my fighter jets.
I have a very strong feeling of regret right now.
Whew! Thank goodness, it would've taken two bro copters to kill Alf-
Mother fucker.
There's an explosion, and Alfred watches as his helicopter falls apart around him.
"Shit..." he murmurs. He hits the intercom. "Guys, I'm going down!"
"Alfred, my man, you alright?" Bernard asks.
"Nope..." Alfred replies. "Come on, guys, don't be so formal. Call me... ARGH! Alf! Call me Alf!"
The helicopter begins to spiral towards the ocean, and Alf wonders what to do with his last few moments.
"Tell Eric to patch things up with Bill! Larry, it was an honour being your partner in combat and roommate! And... someone tell Tina that I guess she doesn't owe me that twenty dollars any more..."
"ALFRED!" yells Larry. He turns his helicopter around in desperation, but it's too late. The army watches as the last helicopter of the Alfred Armada plunges into the depths of the river and sinks, leaving just a few bubbles to gather on the surface and disappear moments later.
The convenient thing about the bombers heading for my fighter jets is that these ones are now also in Mulligan range.
And Mulligan capitalises on that.
With nothing dangerous left in the range of Fred, he just attacks that new boat-looking unit.
It does moderate damage. The boat doesn't seem particularly fazed. Or manned, by the looks of it - where are all the sailors?
Howard exacts a terrifying revenge on the bro copters.
By which I mean he one-shots. This is what you deserve for screwing with my strategy!
Larry, infuriated beyond all reasonable means by the death of his good friend, opens fire on the bro copters.
Unfortunately, grieving rage doesn't actually increase a unit's attack power, so he's just shy of finishing the fucker off.
Barnaby helps.
Hey, guess what happens to this guy? Hint: rhymes with 'tomb'.
BOOM.
I would've also accepted DOOM.
Raynald of Châtillon crusades over to this offending boat.
For some reason, beating the boats just has them float away. I wanted them to sink properly, dammit!
The Lucy Lineup help...
...by not one-shotting this random shitty infantry group. Infantry have really inconsistent tanking abilities.
Red recovers from his hangover for just long enough to drop more bombs on this tank. I see you trying to heal on that city!
It went well! I think that's almost every aggressive enemy gone now, right? Just clean-up left, once Olaf's turn ends.
Whoops, missed one. And he goes for the Fred Fusiliers.
He did absolutely no damage.
I genuinely laughed aloud when I saw it just go 'plink'.
And things get worse for the poor fool, since he's parked himself RIGHT in Mulligan's range.
He wasn't so much 'shot down' as he was 'completely ground into dust'.
Red manages to one-shot this infantry! I was more surprised about this when I was actually playing, and it's only now that I realise that Lucy was injured when she was attacking that infantry. So that's why the tanking was inconsistent.
I swing Larry down to attack this guy, but then I realise...
If I attack this guy with Larry, there's nobody that can actually fire on the infantry down below. However, any air unit can attack this jet, so I can finish the fight on this turn if I send Larry down to defeat the infantry unit instead.
Which is precisely what I do.
This is the strategy of a winner.
Unfortunately, we can't quite do enough damage like this.
Barnaby comes over to do it instead.
Now that's what I like to see. Triple digits, baby!
And that's the map! Whoever said in the comments that this one was cathartic, you were absolutely right. This is a real breather of map, which I'm fine with. Let's just forget that I accidentally got Alfred killed, because I did the rest of the map really well. Right, Nell?
Uh, yeah? It was mostly just one-shotting and air units, so it wasn't like it was massively difficult.
Thanks! Nell likes me again, guys. I impressed her, finally!
Oh, wow, I really impressed her. Goodness.
Certainly shall. I hope. I'd rather have not lost anyone, but it's more interesting when people die from time to time. I will try harder next map though!
...Oh, right, I don't get to keep the bombers or fighters, do I?
Aw.
By being incompetent. And suicidally charging into Mulligan's range, in one memorable instance.
Cue Olaf saying The Thing He Always SaysTM.
Thanks! Next time, we abandon our new friends in order to make new ocean friends. Look forward to Boat Emblem: The Sailing Stones!
***
The Barracks: Eric and Bill 1
“Eric, is this yours?”
Eric looks up from his book, seeing Bill stood next to his bed holding a sock.
“Uh, probably?”
“Please don’t leave your socks around the room. We both have to live here, you know.” Bill mutters, tossing it into a nearby drawer and going to sit on his own bed. Eric remembers Alfred’s words, and sits up, putting his book aside.
“Uh, hey… Bill, I wanted to talk to you.”
“Mm?” comes the response.
“I’m gonna try and be tactful. Basically, you’re a bit… overly clean. And you’re very demanding. Both in our room and in the field, so… I was wondering if you’d consider toning it down a little?”
“I…” Bill murmurs. “I… suppose so. Sorry, Eric. Personally, I think that cleanliness in the room is akin to preciseness in the field. That can be the difference between life and death.”
“That’s a bit of a stretch!” laughs Eric. “Lighten up, Bill. I mean, would it really be so different if we were just a little more relaxed?”
“Well, how about we try it?” Bill says. “For the next week, I’ll resist my OCD and let you keep our room and the tanks as tidy or as untidy as you like. And we’ll see if there’s any difference.”
“If not, you have to tone it down and let me drive the tank next mission.” Eric says.
Bill nods. “Acceptable. If you give in, you have to clean the tanks for the next month.”
“Deal.” Eric grins, shaking hands with Bill. He turns back to his book, whilst Bill looks around the room for a moment, then exits.